Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
