The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
