I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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