She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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