Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
