she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
