When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
