I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
