Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
