And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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