The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
