i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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