you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
