Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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