Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
