but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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