Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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