I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
