OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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