I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
