You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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