Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize