We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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