this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
