My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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