her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
