I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
