So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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