Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
