I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
