she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
