Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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