This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
