my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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