Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
