We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
