Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
