I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
