How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
