Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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