i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
