Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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