did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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