she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
