fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
