3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i am craving dick and cupcakes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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