I think i peed on brittanys purse
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize