ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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