Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
