it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Randomize
