If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
