he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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