before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
