Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Houston, we have a squirter
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
