So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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