I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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