i love accidental penises.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
