mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
