what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
