Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
